Sunday, July 15, 2007

10 things entering the Hoopless Season

1) Here's an important question: If Glen Davis is Big Baby... ...does that make Kendrick Perkins, Titanic Toddler? ...Leon Powe, Powerful Papoose? ...Brian Scalabrine, Jumbo Juvenile? ...and Theo Ratliff, Injured Infant?

2) The Amir Johnson signing in Detroit should remind us all of one of life's cardinal rules: Never make a draft promise to Orien Greene when you could maybe land Amir Johnson in the second round.

It's something I've always lived by, and I hope you have too.

3) Wallaces: Is anyone else suspicious about the fact that RIGHT AFTER Chris Wallace left for Memphis, suddenly Brandon Wallace shows up out of nowhere and is signed? Seems a little TOO convenient...

4) I'm in the skeptical camp on THE TRADE, but one good thing that will come out of it: The trade value of EVERYONE rises on winning teams. For example, until now Ryan Gomes has been a guy who GMs look at and halfheartedly say, "Well, he does do a lot of things."

But if the Celtics start winning, those same GMs will look at Gomes and say, "Hey, he really does a lot of things! We ought to see if we can get him!"

This rising-value-phenomenon worked well with Bird's drinking buddy Rick Robey once upon a time.

5) With summer league going on we got to watch those Foxwoods commercials again. (We're lucky!)

If the commercials are any indication, I have to ask: What is it about that casino that makes people talk about themselves in the 3rd person? (Dave refers to himself as Dave, Melvin as Melvin, etc.) Did Wade Boggs go there in the 80s and infect the place with his own unique airborne contagion?

6) The Celtics haven't been a real running team since Tommy Heinsohn lost his coaching spot. Yes the 80s teams ran opportunistically, but the halfcourt was their forte. Since then we've heard so much lip service about running we could clean out the entire Chapstick Company warehouse.

Since the 70s the Celtics have not ever consistently run again.

They won't this year either, but at least the annual offseason ruse is over— no one is saying they'll look to run first anymore. The team now possesses a highly efficient offense (no problems on THAT end), but it's a halfcourt or motion offense. It's not a RUN RUN RUN roster with four of five starters having only average or slower than average footspeed.

7) Days ago Steve Bulpett reported Theo Papaloukas signed with CSKA Moscow rather than the Celtics because despite wanting to come to Boston, the Celtics offer wasn't high enough. (I believe Papaloukas signed with the Russian team for something in the neighborhood of 4 million per.)

This brought about complaints from some corners of Celtic nation who are prone to such interpretations, saying that (once again) this proved Boston ownership was chronically, infernally and criminally cheap.

Maybe not.

I offer an alternate interpretation: The Celtics probably learned from their mistake of a few years ago when they split the mid-level and got two players who haven't done much- Scalabrine and Dickau, and didn't want to commit the same error again. Instead they wanted to leave the whole mid-level exception intact in case they could land bigger game.

So they probably offered Papaloukas the low level, since that was all they had as an alternative. Remember they were still in the Darko hunt at the time (and who knows who else they're still wooing).

...or maybe they are cheap. How the hell should I know?

8) I'm not talking draft picks here, and I'm taking the Ray Allen deal out of the equation completely because it still makes my head hurt: There has NOT been one great move made by an NBA team yet this offseason.

Every signed free agent has been either one dimensional, unproven, obscenely overpaid, or just plain bad. You know when acquiring Zach Randolph is the best thing anyone has done for their franchise, that there hasn't been much surefire headway made by anyone.

9) How come China doesn't get their own NBA team? (Aside from the fact that they're not that good yet.) They get a summer league squad. I mean I love seeing in print: CHINA VERSUS CLEVELAND. It's intrinsically funny.

...and they ought to get their own realgm forum too.

10) The "OTHER DEAL" hasn't happened yet. Did you notice? Is the whole process making you tense?

You may be suffering from Temporal Displacement Syndrome: SCIENCE has determined that while time moves at normal speed for NBA General Managers, it moves very quickly for NBA fans. So when a day goes by for a GM it actually feels like 14 days have elapsed for you and me. Yes, TDS is TWICE as powerful as Dog Year Syndrome. If no trade or free agent acquisition has taken place on any given day, it can be extremely disorienting for those affected.

This condition often results it widespread feelings of despair, frustration, and listlessness, and if untreated by a licensed TDS therapist can result in permanent insanity. One way to know if you are in the high risk group for TDS: IF YOU ARE READING THIS RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE AT HIGH RISK!

A TDS therapy session generally goes like this:

You: "Was there a trade yet?"
Therapist: "No."
You: "Was there a trade yet?"
Therapist: "No."
You: "Was there a trade yet?"
Therapist: "No."
You: "Was there a trade yet?"
Therapist: "No."
You: "How about now?"
Therapist: "No."
You: Have there been any free agent signings?
Therapist: "No."
You: Well, do you have any inside information?"
Therapist: "No."

That is followed by a series of robust electroshock treatments, after which you feel much better and no longer check for basketball news updates on the web every three minutes.

Thank you Science. Thank you.

...Bonus thing) Al Thornton is good.

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