Wednesday, August 29, 2007

A Primer For Celtic Fans

Due to sweeping changes to the Celtic landscape, there are a few things (10 in fact) that Boston fans need to become acquainted with. (Shhh. They've been kept secret for a very very long time.):

1) After the season ends in April. There is actually a second season. It's a sort of tournament. They call it "The Playoffs." Sound it out with me, "Play-Offs. Playoffs." Got it? Were you able to say the word clearly? Good!

2) Yes it's true, the basketball season does NOT really end in April. They continue to have more games in these so called Play-Offs, where various teams compete for something called the NBA title. (Sound it out.)

3) Older fans may vaguely recall the word "Championship" (Champ-Ion-Ship). Younger ones may have noticed the 16 numbered blankets hanging overhead at the Boston Garden. These blankets or Ban-Ners are really fruits of winning the Champ-Ion-Ship in the Play-Offs.

4) I should also stop to explain the word Winning (Win-Ning). It's been so long... Winning means when your team has a higher score than the other team. If this happens on a regular basis, you are known as a Win-Ner.

Now I know this is a lot to take in all at once, but please stay with me, because here comes the hard part:

5) This is a really difficult concept to grasp for those unfamiliar with Winning, Banners, and Playoffs-- The lottery is actually NOT the most important day in the NBA season. (Gasp!) It's true. As it turns out, these Playoffs are MORE IMPORTANT!

6) When you are a Win-Ner, you receive a draft pick that isn't very good, and you don't get to be in the lottery at all. It's sort of a penalty. How about that!?!?

7) Because your draft pick isn't very good the NBA draft becomes much less important. Your mainstays of the past few decades: Youth, Upside, and Potential, no longer come into play very much. Really. When you are a Winner, you don't care about potential so much as this strange second season after April.
Confusing isn't it? Well don't worry, you'll get it soon enough.

8) Beyond that, the All Star game will have Celtics playing on the main evening, not just performing in the slam dunk contest.

9) During the regular season opposing teams will not laugh when they see you on the schedule. Instead they will display an expression you are not familiar with. This expression will resemble pain. It is known as fear. This means you win so frequently, the opposing team realizes they probably cannot beat you.
(Yes, think about that. You actually have a higher score than the other team so often that they expect you to win regularly. Amazing.)

10) Sometimes, someone besides Mike and Tommy may call the games. They make these particular games available to the entire country at once. They are known as "National Broadcasts," and are usually of very poor quality. It's OK; it's actually sort of a compliment.

Let's review:
The lottery and draft are not important.
National Broadcasts.

Strange huh?

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