(originally posted on realgm)
Alright I admit it. I'm having a small crisis here. The lottery looms and I have mixed feelings about even watching it. Here are ten reasons why:
1) The lottery is excrutiating. They'll start off with a brief overview of how they have 14 team representatives who you won't ever see, locked in a secure room with a rented ping pong ball lottery machine and a representitive of a multi billion dollar accounting firm who will make sure all those grubby-handed little millionaires don't try anything funny and visa versa. Then they'll show the league VP in charge of envelopes whoever that is, waving a bunch of stationery that will determine whether the next ten years of your life will be happy or miserable. Then they'll go to commercial.
2) When they come back they'll introduce the 14 team representatives who will range from former greats to current players to team execs. When they introduce Tommy Heinsohn, you'll say, "There's Tommy. I know him!" Then they'll go to a commercial.
3) When they come back they'll open the first envelope.
Now let me point out that nothing good can happen here, only something bad can happen. Either they call the LA Clippers followed by a shot of Elgin Baylor smiling just as if he's done this before, or they call New Orleans and the reps of Milwaukee and Memphis both faint while Tommy clenches his fist, becomes very red, and menacingly glares at whoever happens to be sitting next to him.
4) It turns out it is the Clippers. Elgin smiles, waves and picks up his well worn lottery seat cushion which he's pretty sure he'll be using again next year. Phew. You sigh in relief. Then they go to a third commercial.
5) Now it dawns on you: They have to do this 11 MORE TIMES BEFORE ANYTHING GOOD CAN HAPPEN. That's right, nothing good can happen for the next 9 or 10 minutes until they get to the critical final picks. ONLY SOMETHING VERY TERRIBLE CAN HAPPEN. (I'm not completely sure I want to put myself through that.)
6) When they come back the next few envelopes will be opened. Each time a little piece of you will die. Your artery walls will thicken and your lungs will contract. In the next few minutes your life will be shortened by a time period equal to 19.9% of your previously expected lifespan (coincidentally the exact same percentage as the Celtics chances for Greg Oden). Then they'll pause for a commercial.
7) When they come back they'll have prepared a little montage of the 1997 Tim Duncan draft lottery, and you'll see poor old M.L. Carr sitting up there taking a bullet for the team, his smile barely covering a bottomless horrible feeling of abject pain that suddenly inhabits his entire soul. (Later a careful medical examination will determine that he also has Rick Pitino's switchblade in his back). Then they'll pause for another commercial and let you think about things.
8) More envelopes will open. Still, nothing good can happen. What you want is for the bad teams to go in order: Clips, New Orleans, Philly, Indy for Atlanta, Sacramento. Then, God willing, they'll call Chicago. This will be your one break from the tension as you get a good hearty laugh at Isiah's expense. One more commercial.
9) Finally they'll work their way to the 5th position. This is where the pressure really mounts. You'll hoist your beer but realize that you can't swallow, which doesn't matter anyway since you've unknowingly crushed the can from gripping it too tightly. Then will come the determining envelopes. If the Celtics card hasn't been shown by the 4th pick, you'll be ready for the the last and worst of it, the third envelope... but not before another commercial.
10) By now you'll know if Milwaukee, Boston, or Memphis has gotten screwed out of their hard fought position. You'll think back to all those carefree winter evenings joyfully riding your tank to happy doom and soon you'll know whether it was all for nothing, or whether it will make you deleriously happy for the entire summer and perhaps the decade or more that follows.
...or you can just skip the telecast and peek at the internet 15 minutes later and avoid the whole thing.
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