Monday, September 24, 2007

Together We Can

1) Architecture:
You might recall a certain former Celtic coach/GM/president/emperor. Then again acute traumatic stress might have mercifully stricken all memories of this individual from your mind. Anyway this person who shall be referred to here as He Who Shall Not Be Named, once spoke about a door.

On March 1, 2000, He Who Shall Not Be Named told us all about a problem we were having with our collective door, saying, "Larry Bird is not walking through that door, fans. Kevin McHale is not walking through that door, and Robert Parish is not walking through that door..."

"Oh no!" we thought. "Our precious door is busted!"

It certainly seemed that way as the only players who used the damaged portal during He-Who's time were guys like Chris Mills, Travis Knight, and Vitaly Potapenko. We said, "What a lousy door! How did we get stuck with an entryway that spews out only crappy players?"

Actually the story ends well. Here it is seven years later and as it turns out the problem wasn't with the door at all. Look: James Posey walked through it. Ray Allen walked through it. So did Kevin Garnett.

2) Together We Can:
I'm going off topic. I can't help myself.
When Deval Patrick ran for Governor of Massachusetts, his campaign slogan Together We Can seemed like the first half of a promise yet to be written. It seemed so bright and hopeful. It left everyone wondering— What was the second half of the phrase?

Was it:
"Together We Can build a great state?"
"Together We Can construct a society that is fair, honest and principled?"

Those certainly would have been really good answers, but unfortunately neither is correct.
Mr. Patrick revealed this week that the full sentence actually reads: "Together We Can shoot craps."

3) Another thing about the casino gambling proposal:
How can people be so culturally insensitive? I believe we need to stop and reflect on how this affects the Mashantucket Pequots. This could have negative consequences that will impact their simple time-honored tribal custom of emptying peoples pockets with traditional native American devices such as roulette wheels and slot machines.

4) Confusion:
Remember the bewildering March 13th game in Chicago where the Bulls wore kelly green uniforms and the entire contest seemed completely screwy because of it? Every time the Bulls ran on the break I got excited and then had to immediately reverse my emotions. It got so confusing I think I blacked out twice before halftime.
I expect the game in London against Minnesota will be greatly disorienting too, but for a different reason. One contest in Rome will not be enough to make me forget that Al Jefferson, Gerald Green and Ryan Gomes aren't Celtics anymore. Hold on, I getting misty here... Feeeelings, Wo Wo Wo... ...sniff sniff... ...you too Delonte out there in Seattle... ...You are the winnnnd beneath my wiiiinnngs... ...sniff.
I'm alright. I'm alright. I'll be ok by opening day.

5) Not Everybody Plays:
There are 15 roster guys. Only 12 at a time are active. Only 9 can get significant, regular minutes. The easiest way to figure who those 9 are is by guessing the bottom 6. Here's a stab at it (I don't expect to be right):

Barring the unexpected, the least experienced players are also least likely to play. That probably eliminates Manuel, Wallace, Pruitt, and Davis. Now we're at 11. (The Celtics first priority this season is something other than developing youth.)

Despite tentatively encouraging news from tonyallenland, I would think he'd be brought along very cautiously. This will change as the year progresses and Tony gains confidence. That makes 10, at least to start the season.

The last rotation spot seems to come down to Powe or Pollard (yes Scalabrine IS in the rotation, more on that next). So here's the projected 9 on opening day: Garnett, Pierce, Ray Allen, Perkins and Rondo start. Then Posey plays a lot, followed in no particular order by House, Scalabrine, and either Pollard or Powe.

Of course all this is based on no more trades or signings, Tony Allen coming along slowly, and no injuries. In other words it won't happen this way.

6) Scalabrine:
He's playing. He is. He did well with a veteran team in New Jersey. He'll do well with a veteran team in Boston.

7) Pick and Roll:
You want to know why the Celtics couldn't defend it before? Because they had the wrong personnel. That's all it was. Nothing more. You need an agile, long big man who can instantly cover a wide amount of space. It also helps to have veterans. Done, double done.

8) Speaking of defense:
I believe this Celtics team will be really good defensively. Every weakness they've had in the past just got fortified. Garnett, Rondo, Posey, Perkins, Tony Allen later- those guys can play guard dog D. Also many will be pleasantly surprised at Pierce's effectiveness on the other end now that he doesn't have to expend all his energy on offense.

9) Rebounding too:
Throw away any Perkins rebounding stats from last season. The foot did him in. With Perkins and Garnett up front, Pierce at the 3 and Rondo at point all garnering above average rebounds for their positions, this will be the best rebounding Celtics team since the guys who-aren't-walking-through-that-door were here.

10) The Udonis Haslem Effect:
Players who do just what they're good at when surrounded by superstars look great and often win titles.
Haslem is ok, but when he's playing with healthy Shaq and Wade he gets left alone, does his thing, and just kills you. Starting in November the Celtics are going to benefit from this same situation.

The list of players looking fabulous next to megastars goes on forever, such as: Happy Hairston and Jim McMillian; Horace Grant and Craig Hodges; Bruce Bowen and Robert Horry; and now just maybe Kendrick Perkins and Rajon Rondo.

All Perkins and Rondo have to do is concentrate on their strengths and people across the nation will say, "Wow how about that? Perkins and Rondo are really good. I was mistaken. I plainly didn't know. Celtic fans said this would happen, and as always those dashing handsome devils were right."



ka thump, Ka Thump, KA THUMP. Two weeks to Rome. The drumbeat of the approaching season is steadily building. Can you hear it?

Monday, September 17, 2007

10 things about why I hate the shape of the Earth

1) In mid September a lot of people say there's not much to talk about. Not true! I have a huge Celtic-related issue to bring up; something that really makes me mad and has not been discussed one bit– It's the physical shape of planet Earth. I REALLY don't like it being spherical.
Here's why: The Boston Celtics open the exhibition season in Rome against Toronto. Everybody reading this is looking forward to that game to get an idea of what the team looks like, how they move together, to see Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen in green. This will be as highly anticipated as any regular season contest in recent years. Don't you just want to watch as the starting five walks on the court for the first time? That will be thrilling.

2) Anyway before we get to the big issue, I have a few other items to go over: First, are they sending Mike and Tommy to Europe? Will they be ok? Will big enough air holes be cut in their crate? Will there be soft enough packing material to protect them? Is there a special customs form for shipping broadcasters?
I worry about this stuff. Someone has to.

3) Does anyone know if this game will even be televised? I assume it will but does anyone know?

4) Another side note (nonItalians DO NOT READ): Italian Celtic fans, I'm glad for you. You get to host the first exhibition. Please don't take anything I say as a criticism of the wonderful city of Rome or of your beautiful country.

5) OK let's get down to it: The shape of the Earth has made me mad before, but now I'm furious. This whole spherical-planet-circling-the-sun idea seemed fine when they introduced it centuries ago, but I don't think they had much foresight— because now it's causing a grave problem for all of us, one that cannot be ignored.

6) I know no one else has brought the subject up, not the Boston Herald, not the Globe; not one local newspaper, radio reporter or television broadcaster. I think they've been scared off. Gagged. Muffled. Told in no uncertain terms what talking about this issue will cost them. Well let me say right here and now, I will speak! I will not be silenced!!

7) As everyone knows, a few thousand years ago the Earth was flat. It was perfect. Sun in the sky. Land below. Nobody falling off. Everybody happy. Then Artistotle and his gang of thugs got together and changed everything. When no one was looking, those slimy philosophers made the planet round. The cutthroats! This has created nothing but problems ever since, the greatest of which we face on October 6th 2007, the day of the first exhibition game of the rest of our lives.
In the words of the great Charlton Heston, "You maniacs! Damn you! God...damn you all to hell!"

8) I know what you're thinking: That's not true. Aristotle's a giant. He's one of our finest philosophers.
Is he? Is he really? When you finish the next few paragraphs I'm sure you'll agree with me that he's history's second greatest monster, right behind Kenny G.

9) Why couldn't they have left well enough alone? A flat world would have been ideal in this situation. Instead here's what we Celtic fans face: Due to the nefarious subterfuge of the diabolical Aristotle and his legion of doom, Earth is now a sphere. Because of this fiendish restructuring, there now exist time zones. Are you starting to understand where this is going? Is the hideous truth now dawning on you?

10) Because the Earth is round and the game is being played in Rome, there's a time zone difference. Rome is six hours away! This game -this most precious game- will be played in the mid-afternoon our time! Even if the contest is broadcast, even if Mike Tommy survive their perilous trip in the broadcaster shipping crate, the game will either be done on tape delay or shown in the afternoon. NOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Aristotle, you demon-spawn, what have you done? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Swagger

You know what's the best thing about this offseason? The swagger's back baby! The swagger: that tangible feeling that the Celtics are not like other teams, that the schedule is a list of probable wins, and that the sole purpose of the rest of the league is to provide a blank canvas for Boston Celtic titles. As November draws near, everybody feels some of the electric spark that used to be commonplace in the old days.

Long ago there were only two types of Celtic seasons. There were championship years, and then there were the seasons between championships; the in-between years. This is the way everyone who followed the team in the 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s always used to think: If the Celtics weren't celebrating, they were preparing. If they didn't win, the next championship squad was being assembled. Everyone had swagger, from Red Auerbach through the whole organization to every last fan. The swagger was infectious. The swagger was everywhere. It was a thundering communal power.

There were in-between years after Bill Russell and Sam Jones retired. They didn't last long; Havlicek, Cowens and company took care of that. When the 70s contenders fell apart, there came a few more in-between years. Then Bird arrived. The point being that even when the team was down everyone knew the next title was always coming. It wasn't just maybe going to come. Sure as sunrise, the next championship was inevitable...

...Everyone is aware of what's happened since then. 21 years have passed since 1986. But you know what these 21 years have been? As it turns out, maybe they've been nothing more than in-between years, just a longer run than usual.


Let me take a short detour:
I have a confession to make: I taped the Kevin Garnett press conference. (I know what you're thinking: Uh oh. That's completely demented. Don't make eye contact.) It's alright. Yes I do realize taping offseason press conferences is a classic danger sign. I fully acknowledge that I might need professional help. They say admitting you have a problem is the first step toward recovery...

Anyway I'm not in therapy, but recent years of television viewing lead me to imagine that a typical session would go like this:

Me: "Doctor, I saw some ducks and then fainted next to the swimming pool."

Therapist: "That doesn't mean anything."

Me: I'm also given to fits of homicidal rage which are largely work related."

Therapist: "Mmm. Everyone has their quirks. Don't worry about it."

Me: "Well I taped the entire Kevin Garnett press conference including the follow up segment with Gary Tanguay and Donny Marshall."

Therapist : "What? Really!?! God, oh dear God! That's completely freakin' nuts!"

Me: "Thank you Dr. Melfi. Wow, what a breakthrough. That's explains everything! You've helped me immensely. I feel so much better now."


So yeah, I taped the press conference. Hey it was THE transcendent moment when the swagger returned to greenhearts everywhere.

Halfway through the broadcast Ray Allen looked at Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce and said, "When I'm on the perimeter and I know I got these guys behind me, my confidence level goes up sky high. My SWAGGER is through the roof."

There was plenty of cheering at that press conference, from hard-bitten press types too. Why were they cheering? They weren't just cheering Garnett, Pierce and Allen. They weren't just cheering because their jobs got easier. They were cheering the return of the swagger.

The swagger is something everybody shares. It's back, it's magical, and we all get a piece of it.

Under previous management, the Celtic organization lost touch with its flame. After Danny Ainge took over, few noticed a rekindling. Suddenly there's a bonfire blazing. This summer has been a revelation. What started as a buzz on draft night has turned to a roar. These are good years coming up. Enjoy them. A lot of people have waited a long time to get this feeling again.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Announcement

In case anyone is curious, I'm changing the way this site is used. My articles will be posted first on both Celticsblog's main page and on the Realgm Celtics forum. A few days later, after they've run their course, I'll put them here as sort of an archive. Having them posted on Celticsblog makes Only10things fairly redundant.

But if anyone comments here, I'll be happy to respond.

Thanks!

A theory on why the Globe hates the Celtics

It's common knowledge that the ownership and management of most New York newspapers are hideous brain-craving zombies. It's not spoken of very often, but pretty much everyone acknowledges that this is true.


Let me take you back several years ...

Long ago the best basketball newspaper anywhere was the Boston Globe. All the writers there loved the Celtics. This angered the zombie-overlords of the New York Times, who, so the story goes, consistently attempted to spread the false notion that Gotham was the basketball capitol of the world. Decent common people across the land would not hear any such thing. They knew perfectly well that Boston with its 16 titles and glowing intrinsic goodness was hoops central.

The enraged news-zombies of New York howled with frustration. What could they do? It was impractical to march stiff-leggedly through Connecticut all the away to Boston and eat the brains of the entire staff of the Globe. Instead they devised an ingenious alternate plan. The zombie moguls assembled their zombie accountants, zombie bankers and zombie lawyers, and while the world slept they silently exercised a corporate takeover of one of Boston's most cherished institutions.

Just like that the New York Times gobbled down the Boston Globe and turned it into a ghoulish subsidiary. Living Dead 1, Human Race 0.

On the following December 13th, the New York Times threw a seemingly innocent Christmas party for their Globe underlings. It was supposed to be like any other newspaper Christmas party (drunken debauchery, pagan worship, ritualistic sacrifice, etc.) but this time there was an unexpected surprise waiting for our heroic Boston Globe basketball staff.

The intrepid Globe writers arrived at the soiree filled with hometown gusto, ready to sing the praises of Boston's basketball superiority, and regale the New Yorkers with tales of championship Celtic lore. What they got was something else entirely.

No one knows what exactly happened that evening, but it was something chilling, something terrible; yes, something EVIL. The basketball writers that emerged from that party seemed completely different from those that arrived. Oh sure outwardly they looked the same, but they had fundamentally changed. Their souls had been taken! Everyone who emerged from that cursed gala despised the Boston Celtics forevermore!

So the next time someone from the Globe makes you mad when they talk about the Celtics, please be understanding. They can't help but feel as they do. The writing undead of the Boston Globe are not in control of themselves. Be kind to them. Remember, those columnists used to be regular folk just like you and me. They didn't ask to be this way.

Perhaps the raising of championship banner #17 will lift their curse and return them to their former Celtic-loving, sunny selves.
...Either that or some deep-pocketed local ownership buying back the newspaper would do it too.

(That must have been a heckuva party though.)



Now all this is just a theory mind you. Some say none of it ever happened; that the ownership of the New York Times loves puppies, looking at shapes in clouds, and picking wildflowers. Then again, how else do you explain the change in the Globe from the 80s to now? Soul snatching by New York zombies seems the simplest, most logical explanation.